have a baby already

As long as I have been conscious of birth, I have been irked by the waiting of it. I rember waiting for the birth of my now 18 year old sister; my young brain unable to comprehend why it should take an entire school year to cook a baby who would be born unable to talk, read, chew, move independantly, or even sleep longer than two hours at a time.

As a doula the waiting was narrowed down to the 2-6 weeks of sleeping with my phone by the bed, and then 24-65 hours at the hospital.

As a mama, I cherished the pregnant time, awkward as it was, I learned so many things and, for probably the first time in my life, felt at home in the pace of something beyond me, and truly comfortable with slow. The hard waiting was really the last three or four days before S was born, and especially the last 2 hours!

Now, assisting at homebirths, the waiting is big again. I have the on-call periods, and add to that the desire (now that I've finally decided that I am really going to be a homebirth midwife) to get the fuck on with it! I want the birth of each individual child, and I want them to start adding up into the great pile I need to complete the portfolio process and, more than anything else, to give my intuitions the weight of experience and my hopes the reassurance that I am suited to this and will be able to be of competent service, rather than a menace to society.

There was a time when I could have dropped everything, and made faster inroads into the massive heap of work that's facing me, but full-time teaching, financial obligations, and a family (aside from their making life worth living etc...) are a serious logistical issue.

I get it that time and patience are important teachers, and it's not about just getting info and experience, but I need to grow into the person that I want to be and I'll be ready when I'm ready and no sooner no matter how I try to push it, but this primip is 1 or 2 or 4 weeks out and 0 station and all squishy and efface-y and the summer's over and the weekend's almost and still not a single contraction; I am just now really tired of waiting!

Proof, of course, that it's a good thing for everyone that I still am.